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alive... Dealing with Joseph and Going My Own Way

Feb. 1st, 2008 | 03:37 am
location: Tammy's Room
mood: depressed depressed
music: Watching Accepted (in the background)

Well I apologize because I have disappeared for a couple months. I haven't talked to anyone really unless you initiated the convo when my prepaid cell phone was on. I now have a new # and its Verizon plan (NO MORE PREPAID!!!) 201-956-3984. I haven't been online as much, at least when I am on to check, I am usually on AOL using invisible mode so I can check all my mail on myspace, facebook and fubar. Saying Hi once in a blue moon to Lisa, Dayna, Marie, Carly, etc... you know who you are. Well the question posed probably is where have I been?

I am living with Eric on Cedar Street in Garfield... However, more or less have spent 99% of the last 2-3 months living with Tammy, her 2 Daughters Autumn (8) and Summer (just turned 6 yesterday) and 2 of those months also Erica and her daughter Amanda (6). We have all been having issues in general and we have become like a close knit dysfunctional family. I have been getting the chance to have a taste of the one thing I have wanted for a long time, fatherhood. Helping out, taking them places, picking them up, watching them, putting to bed, stories, etc.. etc.. etc..

Now you know where I've been. I am also as of this past Monday, in therapy. I am seeing a Clinical Psychologist who recommended me to a Psychologist to get medicated. Yesterday I officially was put on Paxil and was told I should start group therapy to get over a lot of the fears in my life. I am being told as of now that I have Social Anxiety Disorder and that most of my problems are from it, I was told to write down a list of 12 things that scare me or make me unhappy. Got a lot more while thinking all day/night about it. Here is what I have come up with, (figure what the hell, why not share while I am open)

  • Initiating conversation with soemone new - esp Females
  • Being Judged
  • Talking on the Phone (esp with strangers)
  • Being seen as the "Bad Guy"
  • Being Alone - Not having a Family of My Own
  • Sharing - Opening up (TO ANYONE!!!)
  • Having people look into my eyes...
  • Stuck in a job I don't LOVE
  • Work/Career becoming my life
  • Chasing my Dreams
  • NOT chasing my dreams
  • Losing a Loved One (Death or Otherwise)
  • Getting to Close to People (Abandonment issues)
  • Conforming to Society to "fit in"
  • Live my life to my fullest potential
  • Letting People Down - Friends, family
  • Disappointing my Parents
  • Hurting a Loved One (Mentally of course.. I am not violent)
  • Not Being good enough...
  • Trying to be more than average...and failing
  • Never getting my work published
  • Society in general - Gender Roles, how men are supposed to act
  • Giving up on my fairy tale - losing hope (wedding, house, life I dreamed of)
  • Not Being a Good Father
  • Not Being accepted - Not being able to be comfortable with me when I meet someone knew who might not understand my uniqueness
  • Losing control of life, Life controlling me
  • Pushing people away because I run scared
  • Always being told I'm too good of a friend when I am intersted in a womyn
  • Finances - Handling money...
  • Sex (both the act and conversation about it)
  • Being a Failure (school, work, friend, lover, life)
  • FAKE FRIENDS - being taken advantage of
  • Feeling INADEQUATE! never being good enough
  • Trust
  • Being forgotten (in life and death)
  • Talking in front of people (phone convos)(having to hide behind a computer screen or Letter)
  • Being Myself
  • Accepting Compliments - Giving them
  • Being led on - Leading someone else on (even after we have agreed that nothing is going on)
  • Valentina
  • Allowing myself to be VULNERABLE
  • Being just another "stereotypical guy"

    I don't need to see comments on these or feedback, but Figured my thoughts should be shared for once... who knows when it will happen again.
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    can't sleep

    Aug. 13th, 2007 | 02:03 am
    location: my room in the dark
    mood: depressed depressed
    music: silence

    Everything in my life is running through my head. Life sucks and I am having a hard time with it lately. I don't even know what to do to sleep and I gotta be up at 6:30 to shower and get ready for work. HELP!

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    cant sleep peacefully

    Feb. 1st, 2007 | 05:09 am
    location: in the dark... my room
    mood: annoyed I can't sleep! annoyed I can't sleep!
    music: Jo Dee Messina - Heads Carolina, Tails California

    I keep falling asleep and waking up like an hour or a 1/2 hour later... seems the only time I sleep anymore is when my hunni is holding me (or me holding her).... Well I got a car at least I found someone with a car and I am getting it sunday.. I am starting to move things into my new place tomorrow... thats right NEW place haha.. Moving in with Harry and Chris within a week or two. My room is finally empty... excited and scared shitless... never been on my own for more than a few days or so... I'll miss the normalcies and what i've grown accustomed to.. anyway I really need to sleep!!! work in 3 hours... ni ni

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    I found my home

    Jan. 29th, 2007 | 12:20 am
    music: Trace Adkins - Ladies Love Country Boys

    In my Lisa's arms.. only way to fall asleep =)

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    I want a baby

    Jan. 24th, 2007 | 02:45 pm
    location: in my room waiting on Cup O' Noodles
    mood: lethargic lethargic
    music: Joe Nichols - I'll Wait For You

    I do. After dinner with Erica and her daughter last night, I decided that I can't wait to be a daddy. I guess I am going to have to though hahaha =)

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    Can't sleep

    Jan. 23rd, 2007 | 02:12 am
    location: my room with the lights out
    mood: depressed depressed
    music: Blake Shelton - Some Beach

    This is becoming a habit it seems.... can't sleep and I have to be up early to catch the bus to work. My mind doesn't stop thinking about life, work, etc... wish I had answers, wish I were stronger. Wish I knew what to make of it, and I wish I wouldn't keep myself up over it..........................

    anyway if you can't tell i'm back.. this is the first post in my LJ in 2 years haha...........leave love

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    (no subject)

    Oct. 23rd, 2005 | 09:11 pm

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    The world is a stage... and some of us are just bad actors....

    Mar. 21st, 2005 | 03:24 pm
    mood: depressed depressed
    music: Damien Rice, Elliott Smith, Azure Ray, Belle & Sebastian, and others on shuffle

    Well it was a long drive home of just thinking about random bull shit. It seems thats Tuesday has become one big joke amongst some people, others took it the wrong way, and apparently no one really understands any of it...

    One thing I was told was not to care what everyone thinks or feels that no matter what you have to do what makes you happy.... judging by the situation at hand... I don't think that lays any significance on the grounds of what happened.... and I'll explain that in a minute...

    The other was the slap in the face by my own girlfriend by poking fun at me for what happened.. Maybe she felt it would hurt less if she could make fun of me for it.. I dunno... but we talked that over and its w/e now..

    All of us are effected by what others in the group think of us... Some of us are just better actors and better at hiding it and we all deal with it in a different way.. I don't care who you are, you care what certain people in our once close-knit group thinks. Obviously being Im posting twice in my journal about the same chain of events I'm still effected by it.

    Here is the explanation for the first quote.. In the matters of hook-up/sex I've always had the same approach and obviously it's different than most. When I was single I had my share of hook-ups and whatnot and I don't think of it as me being some whore or whatnot, I don't see the problem when 2 people are in the mood to engage in a stimulating experience that it's wrong to act on it... And being that all my experience comes from people I consider friends or people I at least talk to on a semi-regular basis, that it makes it all the more better because I knew the histories involved and layed little risk on the table. I didn't go out and sleep with random whore at a bar or whatnot, I slept with people i knew and felt comfortable with. Is that wrong? maybe to some it is. I see no harm in it..

    As for the other night, the only thing wrong with it, obviously was that 1) im not single 2) I was totally drunk to the point I remember nothing of it.

    As for a defense on my sexuality? well I don't know why I feel the need to defend my status but hey why not make it easier for everyone.. I'm definately not gay and I don't think of what happened that night as anything more than just random moments that happened... I apologize if anyone got the wrong idea of the whole situation but thats all it was to me and again if I was single it wouldn't be bothering me as much probably. I just consider myself a human being who is open to whatever and well, so what it was 2 guys... well I don't think that makes me gay or bi or whatever else anyone can dish up.. Now personally I have always considered what my sexual orientation is being that I've been questioned about it for numerous amounts of time and years.. I've considered the fact that maybe I am bi... but I believe that to be bi, I would have to have the feelings there for guys in a sexual and relationship sort of way, and upon collecting my thoughts on my feelings, I have come to the conclusion I have neither of those... I don't look at guys the way I look at girls and I have never once wanted to engage in those types of situations with the same sex... What happened. happened and well thats that... I don't necessarily regret it because I don't believe in regrets.... I believe that things happen and maybe this was a situation that was put up for me to make others understand that everything has a gray area and its not just straight or gay or bi.... But I'm sure there will be people who still don't get it or understand it and thats just something that I'll have to deal with I guess........ what else can I say in my defense except that we are who we are and not who always choose to be.

    Feel free to post a comment.. or whatever... but I'm trying to post this as my closure to the situation and to hope that people won't be so insensitive to the subject because it does bother me. Because if Jenn or Lisa or April whoever was to make out... You wouldn't be questioning them on their sexuality would you????? But because I'm a guy its different????? keep that in mind as you throw whatever witty banter you care to throw at me....

    joey.... aka MJ and tha Doc

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    Im buying my girlfriend a shirt that says I'm with Stupid.....

    Mar. 17th, 2005 | 12:58 am
    mood: morose morose
    music: David Gray - This Years Love

    I want to apologize for last night.......... I realize how lucky I am to be with someone who continually put up wiht me when I do stupid stupid shit.

    Last night my hunni had to watch me get retarded on Jack Daniels shots and willingly triple kiss with 2 of my guy friends.... Now those who know me, will always joke about my sexuality but its never been a question if I was really gay until last night. I'm sure Lisa is confused about me now and I never wanted that to happen. I got trashed, made an ass of myself, and totally shocked and pissed off my girlfriend..

    1st off... I wanted to publicly announce that I've decided to hang up the bottle until the Summer parties start (Dayna's and my block party)

    2nd... Lisa I do love you and even if I am a stupid dumb shit I'm glad that you still stick by me..

    All I want is for this to go away now and just leave it as a nightmare/memory that happened and is over with.

    I'm sorry to Sal and Mikey for any mixed signals.... Im sorry to all my friends who I inconvenienced by a) making them watch my PDA b) or having to take care of my passed out drunk ass at the diner....

    you all mean alot to me and thanks

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    Holiday Boo Hoo

    Dec. 25th, 2004 | 08:41 pm
    mood: depressed depressed
    music: Elliott Smith - Pictures of Me

    Its 8:34pm and I am sitting here in the dark of my room only the glow of the christmas tree slightly sheds light on the depression I feel at the moment... I don't even know what the problem is.. It could be left overs from last night when I was very upset that Christmas Eve was basically a joke.. only my grandmother and Aunt were able to come. or maybe its how we started off the day with our annual soup being ruined... or maybe its the closing of the holiday I love so much...or maybe its just nothing at all.
    ~~~phone just rang~~~~
    Whatever the reason I defiantely feel like this holiday was a let down. I'm not in the holiday spirit for anything, I kinda feel left out for no reason whatsoever.

    Maybe its that I'm getting older now its not as exciting, but I refuse to accept that and maybe thats part of it too.. Whatever.. I could sit here for hours giving possibilities and answers that might but the point is it won't make me feel better somehow...

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