I am 1 of a Kind -- Guaranteed!

Well I apologize because I have disappeared for a couple months. I haven't talked to anyone really unless you initiated the convo when my prepaid cell phone was on. I now have a new # and its Verizon plan (NO MORE PREPAID!!!) 201-956-3984. I haven't been online as much, at least when I am on to check, I am usually on AOL using invisible mode so I can check all my mail on myspace, facebook and fubar. Saying Hi once in a blue moon to Lisa, Dayna, Marie, Carly, etc... you know who you are. Well the question posed probably is where have I been?

I am living with Eric on Cedar Street in Garfield... However, more or less have spent 99% of the last 2-3 months living with Tammy, her 2 Daughters Autumn (8) and Summer (just turned 6 yesterday) and 2 of those months also Erica and her daughter Amanda (6). We have all been having issues in general and we have become like a close knit dysfunctional family. I have been getting the chance to have a taste of the one thing I have wanted for a long time, fatherhood. Helping out, taking them places, picking them up, watching them, putting to bed, stories, etc.. etc.. etc..

Now you know where I've been. I am also as of this past Monday, in therapy. I am seeing a Clinical Psychologist who recommended me to a Psychologist to get medicated. Yesterday I officially was put on Paxil and was told I should start group therapy to get over a lot of the fears in my life. I am being told as of now that I have Social Anxiety Disorder and that most of my problems are from it, I was told to write down a list of 12 things that scare me or make me unhappy. Got a lot more while thinking all day/night about it. Here is what I have come up with, (figure what the hell, why not share while I am open)

Initiating conversation with soemone new - esp Females

Being Judged

Talking on the Phone (esp with strangers)

Being seen as the "Bad Guy"

Being Alone - Not having a Family of My Own

Sharing - Opening up (TO ANYONE!!!)

Having people look into my eyes...

Stuck in a job I don't LOVE

Work/Career becoming my life

Chasing my Dreams

NOT chasing my dreams

Losing a Loved One (Death or Otherwise)

Getting to Close to People (Abandonment issues)

Conforming to Society to "fit in"

Live my life to my fullest potential

Letting People Down - Friends, family

Disappointing my Parents

Hurting a Loved One (Mentally of course.. I am not violent)

Not Being good enough...

Trying to be more than average...and failing

Never getting my work published

Society in general - Gender Roles, how men are supposed to act

Giving up on my fairy tale - losing hope (wedding, house, life I dreamed of)

Not Being a Good Father

Not Being accepted - Not being able to be comfortable with me when I meet someone knew who might not understand my uniqueness

Losing control of life, Life controlling me

Pushing people away because I run scared

Always being told I'm too good of a friend when I am intersted in a womyn

Finances - Handling money...

Sex (both the act and conversation about it)

Being a Failure (school, work, friend, lover, life)

FAKE FRIENDS - being taken advantage of

Feeling INADEQUATE! never being good enough

Trust

Being forgotten (in life and death)

Talking in front of people (phone convos)(having to hide behind a computer screen or Letter)

Being Myself

Accepting Compliments - Giving them

Being led on - Leading someone else on (even after we have agreed that nothing is going on)

Valentina

Allowing myself to be VULNERABLE

Being just another "stereotypical guy"

---

I don't need to see comments on these or feedback, but Figured my thoughts should be shared for once... who knows when it will happen again.

Tags: depression, joe, life, psychiatry, psychologist

Everything in my life is running through my head. Life sucks and I am having a hard time with it lately. I don't even know what to do to sleep and I gotta be up at 6:30 to shower and get ready for work. HELP!

I keep falling asleep and waking up like an hour or a 1/2 hour later... seems the only time I sleep anymore is when my hunni is holding me (or me holding her).... Well I got a car at least I found someone with a car and I am getting it sunday.. I am starting to move things into my new place tomorrow... thats right NEW place haha.. Moving in with Harry and Chris within a week or two. My room is finally empty... excited and scared shitless... never been on my own for more than a few days or so... I'll miss the normalcies and what i've grown accustomed to.. anyway I really need to sleep!!! work in 3 hours... ni ni

In my Lisa's arms.. only way to fall asleep =)

I do. After dinner with Erica and her daughter last night, I decided that I can't wait to be a daddy. I guess I am going to have to though hahaha =)

This is becoming a habit it seems.... can't sleep and I have to be up early to catch the bus to work. My mind doesn't stop thinking about life, work, etc... wish I had answers, wish I were stronger. Wish I knew what to make of it, and I wish I wouldn't keep myself up over it..........................

anyway if you can't tell i'm back.. this is the first post in my LJ in 2 years haha...........leave love

Well it was a long drive home of just thinking about random bull shit. It seems thats Tuesday has become one big joke amongst some people, others took it the wrong way, and apparently no one really understands any of it...

One thing I was told was not to care what everyone thinks or feels that no matter what you have to do what makes you happy.... judging by the situation at hand... I don't think that lays any significance on the grounds of what happened.... and I'll explain that in a minute...

The other was the slap in the face by my own girlfriend by poking fun at me for what happened.. Maybe she felt it would hurt less if she could make fun of me for it.. I dunno... but we talked that over and its w/e now..

All of us are effected by what others in the group think of us... Some of us are just better actors and better at hiding it and we all deal with it in a different way.. I don't care who you are, you care what certain people in our once close-knit group thinks. Obviously being Im posting twice in my journal about the same chain of events I'm still effected by it.

Here is the explanation for the first quote.. In the matters of hook-up/sex I've always had the same approach and obviously it's different than most. When I was single I had my share of hook-ups and whatnot and I don't think of it as me being some whore or whatnot, I don't see the problem when 2 people are in the mood to engage in a stimulating experience that it's wrong to act on it... And being that all my experience comes from people I consider friends or people I at least talk to on a semi-regular basis, that it makes it all the more better because I knew the histories involved and layed little risk on the table. I didn't go out and sleep with random whore at a bar or whatnot, I slept with people i knew and felt comfortable with. Is that wrong? maybe to some it is. I see no harm in it..

As for the other night, the only thing wrong with it, obviously was that 1) im not single 2) I was totally drunk to the point I remember nothing of it.

As for a defense on my sexuality? well I don't know why I feel the need to defend my status but hey why not make it easier for everyone.. I'm definately not gay and I don't think of what happened that night as anything more than just random moments that happened... I apologize if anyone got the wrong idea of the whole situation but thats all it was to me and again if I was single it wouldn't be bothering me as much probably. I just consider myself a human being who is open to whatever and well, so what it was 2 guys... well I don't think that makes me gay or bi or whatever else anyone can dish up.. Now personally I have always considered what my sexual orientation is being that I've been questioned about it for numerous amounts of time and years.. I've considered the fact that maybe I am bi... but I believe that to be bi, I would have to have the feelings there for guys in a sexual and relationship sort of way, and upon collecting my thoughts on my feelings, I have come to the conclusion I have neither of those... I don't look at guys the way I look at girls and I have never once wanted to engage in those types of situations with the same sex... What happened. happened and well thats that... I don't necessarily regret it because I don't believe in regrets.... I believe that things happen and maybe this was a situation that was put up for me to make others understand that everything has a gray area and its not just straight or gay or bi.... But I'm sure there will be people who still don't get it or understand it and thats just something that I'll have to deal with I guess........ what else can I say in my defense except that we are who we are and not who always choose to be.

Feel free to post a comment.. or whatever... but I'm trying to post this as my closure to the situation and to hope that people won't be so insensitive to the subject because it does bother me. Because if Jenn or Lisa or April whoever was to make out... You wouldn't be questioning them on their sexuality would you????? But because I'm a guy its different????? keep that in mind as you throw whatever witty banter you care to throw at me....

joey.... aka MJ and tha Doc

I want to apologize for last night.......... I realize how lucky I am to be with someone who continually put up wiht me when I do stupid stupid shit.

Last night my hunni had to watch me get retarded on Jack Daniels shots and willingly triple kiss with 2 of my guy friends.... Now those who know me, will always joke about my sexuality but its never been a question if I was really gay until last night. I'm sure Lisa is confused about me now and I never wanted that to happen. I got trashed, made an ass of myself, and totally shocked and pissed off my girlfriend..

1st off... I wanted to publicly announce that I've decided to hang up the bottle until the Summer parties start (Dayna's and my block party)

2nd... Lisa I do love you and even if I am a stupid dumb shit I'm glad that you still stick by me..

All I want is for this to go away now and just leave it as a nightmare/memory that happened and is over with.

I'm sorry to Sal and Mikey for any mixed signals.... Im sorry to all my friends who I inconvenienced by a) making them watch my PDA b) or having to take care of my passed out drunk ass at the diner....

you all mean alot to me and thanks

Its 8:34pm and I am sitting here in the dark of my room only the glow of the christmas tree slightly sheds light on the depression I feel at the moment... I don't even know what the problem is.. It could be left overs from last night when I was very upset that Christmas Eve was basically a joke.. only my grandmother and Aunt were able to come. or maybe its how we started off the day with our annual soup being ruined... or maybe its the closing of the holiday I love so much...or maybe its just nothing at all.
~~~phone just rang~~~~
Whatever the reason I defiantely feel like this holiday was a let down. I'm not in the holiday spirit for anything, I kinda feel left out for no reason whatsoever.

Maybe its that I'm getting older now its not as exciting, but I refuse to accept that and maybe thats part of it too.. Whatever.. I could sit here for hours giving possibilities and answers that might but the point is it won't make me feel better somehow...

Well Crew has officially started (since Saturday) and its not as bad as I thought... I couldn't stand Adam at first (the sound guy)... but he was really cool last night and I did a good job running the board.

Emmy is sick and I hope she feels better, Jess was pissed or upset at someone last night, and welll the rest of the crew..... well they're managing..

I get the feeling that the people NOT in our class that are helping don't really care to have much to do with us.. They say hi every now and again but don't really talk to us... I feel kind upset bout that... I dunno why...
but I mean, I know Jeff from Pioneer players and I know like 90% of the cast either from classes or from Pioneer Players / Alpha Psi Omega.... but I dunno

I go through soooo many mood swings and I don't know whether it's me or everyone else sometimes... I just like to feel wanted and comfortable and when I don't I feel depressed, upset and threatened... I wanted to leave on Sunday night after Adam kind of made a comment to me after I said that the Hercules cues for running late.. I was just trying to be on top of what was going on, not trying to criticize him, guess he took it the wrong way......... oh well... it was better yesterday and I am glad to be doing this over work...

well Im off for now

Love
Joey

Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
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Wow... where to start...

Last night I decided to drink with my brother, his wife and Plaz after work... then I had to go to an 8am class this morning.. needless to say I woke up but fell back asleep and didn't make it. After classes chilled wit Herman and Okken then came home and went to dinner with Lisa...Here's where the night got misconstrued.

Alex calls me up to tell me that Kris (my brother) got arrested today... He's already on probation mind you... for possession of alcohol by a minor, burglury and assault... Supposedly he was drinking in an abandoned downstairs apartment but some guy who lived upstairs was fixing it up and noticed him in there.. Kris tried to leave nudging the guy and well... he spent 3 hours or so in a cell until Barchi bailed him out.....

Usually when/if he fucks up I can laugh at him and whatnot, but this was different... I mean obviously he's stupid and it is his fault but I feel soo bad. First off I bought the liquor he was drinking last night... and being that he's already on probation, if he winds up getting convicted on all 3 charges that might even be jail time... when I called him, he was acting like it didn't phase him but you can tell by the way he was talking he knew he was fucked...

Well other than that... Lisa left after we napped for a bit and I had to run out to my store to help out Sara.. We just promoted her and she was fuzzy on some of the closing procedures... Don't worry girl, you'll get it =) hehe

ehh back to My IM world

Its 4:57am... I just got done watching the United States of Leland... No one was on for me to converse with, about the movie, about life, about anything really.. Not even my insomniac buddies from Life-D... Movies like this one, Manic, and other indie films that leave me deep in thought, provoke me to write or at least think about writing... I went outside to split some atoms and just kinda lose myself in thought about life. Movies are always and always have been my "escape" from life. They jog memories, thoughts and feelings that I sometimes don't think about or worry about. Tonight my main thought is that I don't know many people that challenge me... not like in a school environment way, but just in general. I can be one of the goofiest people you will meet when you see me in a party environment or a group gathering with the Crew, but get me alone and I'm an enigma of thought provoking questions. I'm a deep thinker and a very complex person at heart that most people don't get to see/know because its on such a level that I don't think alot of people get to or at least try to get to. I'm not saying that I'm more intelligent than others because that would be an overstatement, but I haven't met many people that think like me... about life or movies.

In alot of ways I related to the character Ryan Gosling played in the movie. If you've watched it you might know what I'm talking about. I could sit here and explain it, but I'm not going to, just wouldn't be me.

There really is no point in case for this posting, just a free range of emotion and thought I felt I needed to let escape tonight before I turn in for the night. Life's mysteries aren't always clear to us and thats what makes it all worth living, but its sad that not everyone sees it.

Bad things happen in life, and there is nothing you can do to change it or erase it. And that's just life, sometimes it's nobody's fault. Things are just the way they are because thats how they are.

Good Night
<3 Joey

You're addicted to.....

Nothing!
Your addicted to nothing at all? Well..... ok I
guess thats a good thing but come on just think
of the possibilities!


What are you addicted to? (pics!)
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Power Rangers Movie!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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Brownie- Your like a brownie you melt on people and
people stick to you your kind and affectionate.
Your a good listener whether you know it or not
and people look up to you no matter how they
act everybody has a place for you in their
heart.


JUNK FOOD QUIZ! What junk best decribes you?
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