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alive... Dealing with Joseph and Going My Own Way

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Feb. 1st, 2008 | 03:37 am
location: Tammy's Room
mood: depressed depressed
music: Watching Accepted (in the background)

Well I apologize because I have disappeared for a couple months. I haven't talked to anyone really unless you initiated the convo when my prepaid cell phone was on. I now have a new # and its Verizon plan (NO MORE PREPAID!!!) 201-956-3984. I haven't been online as much, at least when I am on to check, I am usually on AOL using invisible mode so I can check all my mail on myspace, facebook and fubar. Saying Hi once in a blue moon to Lisa, Dayna, Marie, Carly, etc... you know who you are. Well the question posed probably is where have I been?

I am living with Eric on Cedar Street in Garfield... However, more or less have spent 99% of the last 2-3 months living with Tammy, her 2 Daughters Autumn (8) and Summer (just turned 6 yesterday) and 2 of those months also Erica and her daughter Amanda (6). We have all been having issues in general and we have become like a close knit dysfunctional family. I have been getting the chance to have a taste of the one thing I have wanted for a long time, fatherhood. Helping out, taking them places, picking them up, watching them, putting to bed, stories, etc.. etc.. etc..

Now you know where I've been. I am also as of this past Monday, in therapy. I am seeing a Clinical Psychologist who recommended me to a Psychologist to get medicated. Yesterday I officially was put on Paxil and was told I should start group therapy to get over a lot of the fears in my life. I am being told as of now that I have Social Anxiety Disorder and that most of my problems are from it, I was told to write down a list of 12 things that scare me or make me unhappy. Got a lot more while thinking all day/night about it. Here is what I have come up with, (figure what the hell, why not share while I am open)

  • Initiating conversation with soemone new - esp Females
  • Being Judged
  • Talking on the Phone (esp with strangers)
  • Being seen as the "Bad Guy"
  • Being Alone - Not having a Family of My Own
  • Sharing - Opening up (TO ANYONE!!!)
  • Having people look into my eyes...
  • Stuck in a job I don't LOVE
  • Work/Career becoming my life
  • Chasing my Dreams
  • NOT chasing my dreams
  • Losing a Loved One (Death or Otherwise)
  • Getting to Close to People (Abandonment issues)
  • Conforming to Society to "fit in"
  • Live my life to my fullest potential
  • Letting People Down - Friends, family
  • Disappointing my Parents
  • Hurting a Loved One (Mentally of course.. I am not violent)
  • Not Being good enough...
  • Trying to be more than average...and failing
  • Never getting my work published
  • Society in general - Gender Roles, how men are supposed to act
  • Giving up on my fairy tale - losing hope (wedding, house, life I dreamed of)
  • Not Being a Good Father
  • Not Being accepted - Not being able to be comfortable with me when I meet someone knew who might not understand my uniqueness
  • Losing control of life, Life controlling me
  • Pushing people away because I run scared
  • Always being told I'm too good of a friend when I am intersted in a womyn
  • Finances - Handling money...
  • Sex (both the act and conversation about it)
  • Being a Failure (school, work, friend, lover, life)
  • FAKE FRIENDS - being taken advantage of
  • Feeling INADEQUATE! never being good enough
  • Trust
  • Being forgotten (in life and death)
  • Talking in front of people (phone convos)(having to hide behind a computer screen or Letter)
  • Being Myself
  • Accepting Compliments - Giving them
  • Being led on - Leading someone else on (even after we have agreed that nothing is going on)
  • Valentina
  • Allowing myself to be VULNERABLE
  • Being just another "stereotypical guy"

    I don't need to see comments on these or feedback, but Figured my thoughts should be shared for once... who knows when it will happen again.
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    Comments {6}


    From: burgundyphoenix
    Date: Feb. 1st, 2008 10:33 pm (UTC)

    Hey, Joey!! Nice to see ya posting again!! I've missed ya. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so openly. I think a lot of people share the same fears, even if they aren't willing to admit them to others or even to themselves. I hope the therapy helps you overcome some of them so you can move on with your life. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Joey ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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    From: anonymous
    Date: Sep. 17th, 2008 05:26 pm (UTC)

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    Date: Sep. 18th, 2008 09:46 am (UTC)

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    From: anonymous
    Date: Sep. 23rd, 2008 07:41 pm (UTC)

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    Reply | Thread


    From: anonymous
    Date: Sep. 27th, 2008 04:24 pm (UTC)

    Very funny pictures

    Reply | Thread


    From: anonymous
    Date: Sep. 27th, 2008 10:31 pm (UTC)

    perfect design thanks

    Reply | Thread